I extracted this form The Star Online. Thursday October 9, 2008
Why do men take second wives?
A WRITER'S LIFE
By DINA ZAMAN
Polygamy has nothing to do with culture or religion. Men, and women too, cheat because they can.
WHEN a male friend told me he planned on taking a second wife, all I could do was try not to choke on dinner. Are you serious, I asked. He said yes, he had fallen in love with a single mother, but it was not his fate to marry her.
Thinking it was perhaps due her compassion, her earnest desire to bring up her sprogs in a Godly way and that life was indeed a struggle, I choked on my dessert when my friend told me the first thing he noticed about her was that she owned a great set of jugs.
Now, my friend takes his religious obligations very seriously. His first wife wears the hijab. So to hear him admit that it was his paramour’s cleavage that caught his heart was quite shocking.
It was due to women like me, whose so-called Western, secular and feminist ideas of polygamy that pushed it underground. I then asked him, whether his equally-pious wife agreed to him taking on another wife, and he said no. She gave him an earful.
But our friend was on a roll. Now that his journey into polygamy was thwarted, it was all our fault. We modern Malay women, be they religious or not, were forcing men like him to marry in Thailand or Iran, where they practised nikah Muta’ah.
He was emulating the steps of our good Prophet Mohamed, he argued.
“You have got your Islamic history upside down! Nabi married war widows, and his first wife was older than he. Aishah was the youngest. And I don’t think our Prophet married any woman because she had great breasts!”
“You don’t understand.”
“Okay then. Why don’t you sell your car and take a camel to work then?”
I’m realistic. I know men who adore their wives and love them to bits, but they can still love their mistresses and other wives. Am I condoning affairs and polygamy? No. But this happens. It has nothing to do with Islam or being Malay, though polygamy is part of the culture.
We’re Asians. We have a long history of concubinage. There are good men who are faithful, and there are good men who have other wives. There are also bad men who are faithful and also bad men who are unfaithful.
Just like our politics, love in Malaysia is a circus. Weeee!
I’m not going to bore you with what polygamy in Islam is about, as it has been written before and talked about to death. Women’s rights activists have long fought for this “crime” to be illegal, but we face a tough fight. Sometimes it’s not the men who are itching for it, but yes, our gender, too.
In the 80s, when I was young and clueless, meeting mistresses and second or third wives would be sinful and against my principles.
These days? “Oh, you’re a mistress?” “Oh, you’re a hidden wife?” Yawn. Wear tudung or mini skirt, got. Educated or stupid, got. Some of our mothers are The Other Women, and are good mothers. So how?
Is this phenomenon particular to our culture? Oh no. Read the British newspapers. Mistressing is talked about to death in feminist columns.
But I thought after that dinner with my friend, I’d revisit the issue again. Some of the findings from my five-sen survey:
> Theoretically ... polygamy is OK. But must ikut hukum Allah lah. There are conditions.
> Ya, but… actually, kan, for career women like us, it does work. Nak jaga laki 24 jam … gue tak larat la. Biar bini nombor satu jaga. After all, in Islam, polygamous wives are taken care of legally. Better a Muslim second wife than a common law wife.
> But really. Think about it. Convenient, what. You see him once a week, makan once a week, have sex once a week...
> Sex once a week?! Baik tak yah jadi bini nombor dua macam tu! Chit. Once a week mana cukup?!
Why do men cheat? Again, just an observation dwelled upon by friends and myself. For a lot of polygamous men, they marry good women who fit their criteria of holiness, wifeliness and motherhood.
Intimacy between the men and their wives are perfunctory. It’s make-the-baby-cover-the-face sex. With their girlfriends and second wives, it’s Penthouse all the way, baby. It’s the soul thing.
At least this is what I got from talking to quite a number of married men. It’s not because of the first wives’ lack of trying; they want to have healthy intimate lives, but the bees in their husbands’s bonnets keep reminding the men of the Madonna-Whore syndrome.
Malaysia is not a place for single women desiring Hollywood-movie type of marriages and love. KL especially is a city for marriages and affairs. And it has nothing to do with money. There are rich men who cheat, and I know of a despatch boy who has two wives!
There are many single-again women like my friends and I, who still believe in marriage and love. But I can tell you, should we walk down that path again one day, we’re going down it with our eyes open and keep a part of our hearts to ourselves. Because you never know.
Perhaps my friend, an activist who makes a living entering and staying in war zones, is right.
“We have women like you, me, your mother, your aunt and friend who fight so hard for women and children and yet face a brick wall, simply because we ‘understand’ so much, and forgive all the time, which is why cheating, affairs and polygamy are rampant, to the detriment or contribution (depends how you look at it) of our well-being,” says my friend.
Another friend, Sharizal Sharaani, put it succinctly: “Men (and, yes, women too) cheat because they can. Full stop.”
The writer still believes in love and marriage and wants to move to Corfu..
My comment:
Honestly, i used to be part of the polygamy history...Hehe Bukan sebagai wanita yang hidup berpoligami tetapi sebagai anak sebuah keluarga poligami. Aku tak berani mentafsir sama ada ayah aku baik, jahat atau pun tak adil pada isteri-isterinya termasuklah ibu aku sendiri. Mak pun tak pernah mengatakan sesuatu yg buruk pasal abah. yang selalu aku dengar abah adalah seorang yang pemurah kalau bab belanja orang makan, pandai masak sup, suka tukar-tukar kereta (macam tukar isteri jugalah agaknya). Aku sendiri pun tak pernah bertemu dengan isteri abah yg lain. Tapi setakat yg aku tahu kebanyakkannya tak kekal. Aku tak pasti sama ada tabiatnya kahwin berkali-kali adalah suatu habit atau pun disease yg memang ada dlm dirinya.
Teringat pula pada cerita Sutera Maya yang ditayangkan di TV3...lebih kurang macam tue la ayah aku..hemsem ke dia?? Ntahlah, wajahnya pun aku ingat-ingat lupa. (maaf abah, dah hampir 14 tahun tak jumpa masakan saya mampu ingat wajah mahu pun suara abah). tapi ikut kata mak, abah segak orangnya. Umur 40-an pun masih nampak muda(macam aznil...xnampak sangat tuanya). Berapa ramai agaknya jumlah anak-anak abah@adik beradik aku..Kata mak dengan isteri pertama ada 4 orang tapi perkahwinan merka tak kekal. Perkahwinan kali kedua pula dikurniakan 7 orang anak.
Ramai lelaki memberi alasan berkahwin lain kerana masalah mendapat zuriat.Tetapi aku fikir bukan itu alasan abah untuk berkahwin dengan mak. Aku pelik dengan mak, dia tak tahu dirinya isteri kedua sampailah rahsia terbongkar pada suatu hari.Tambahan pula mak boleh dikatakan menantu kesayangan nenek saudara abah. Beria-ria nak menjodohkan mak & abah. Masa kenduri kahwin satu keluarga abah hadir tapi tak seorang pun buka mulut pasal status abah.Yang buat aku bertambah pelik, mak tak mengamuk langsung (Kalau lah aku, pasti dah bertukar jadi taufan Katrina). Memang mak sedih tapi dia redha. Satu family aku hangin...Arwah pak ngah mengamuk gila marahkan abah tapi mak tetap cool. Mak kata mungkin itu takdir & ujian Allah pada dia. Kalau dia mengamuk marah-marah pun perkara dah terjadi (Subhanallah....sabarnya dia), kalau dia maki hamun suaminya pun hanya dosa yang dia dapat, lagipun suaminya tak pernah abaikan dia. semuanya cukup... Aku bukanlah seorang yang berhati lembut & sangat sabar macam mak. Aku dengan mak agak bertentangan. Aku kasar, sempoi, sedikit baran, tegas & agak kurang sabar.Tapi aku sangat kagum dan hormat pada mak walaupun kami bertentangan karektor. Walaupun kini mak & abah dah tiada apa-apa ikatan, aku tetap terikat dengan abah. Sebabnya aku tetap anak abah..Perpisahan mereka tiada kaitan dengan aku .Perpisahan mereka juga bukan kerana mak menentang poligami...Mungkin sebagai manusia yg punya kelemahan, abah tidak berjaya menjalankan semua tanggungjawabnya... Marah dengan abah??Hmmm.. mungkin abah tak pernah belikan aku apa-apa, mungkin abah tak pernah hadir masa majlis penyampaian hadiah di sekolah walaupun aku selalu naik pentas ambil hadiah, mungkin abah tak pernah hantar aku masuk asrama sampailah aku masuk universiti, mungkin juga abah di kala ini lupa dia mempunyai seorang lagi anak; tapi percayalah tiada sekelumit pun rasa dendam atau marah aku padanya (Makcik aku pun pelik kenapa aku tak marah, kalau arwah pak ngah ada mesti dia marah lagi). Kenapa??mungkin sebab aku seorang yang relevan, waras,aku dididik dengan ilmu agama dan aku dikurniakan ibu yg sangat sabar & penyayang...hasilnya aku menjadi anak yg tidak benci atau marah pada ayahnya sendiri..semoga aku kekal begitu.Sebagai manusia kita dikurniakan akal, nafsu & kelemahan. Kerana akal nafsu & kelemahan jugalah kita sering kali membuat kesilapan. Ada sesetengah manusia mungkin dikurniakan kebolehan menyintai lebih dari seorang, mungkin juga ada yg ditakdirkan berkahwin lebih dari sekali atau lebih dari seorang. Aku percaya sebelum sesuatu selalunya ada pilihan. Dengan akal waras, kita boleh memilih untuk terus setia atau curang. Berdasarkan akal waras (dalam hati aku tetap tidak mahu lagi menjadi sebahagian dari sejarah poligami,),aku setuju kenapa islam membenarkan poligami tapi aku sangatlah tidak setuju bagi mereka yg menjadikan islam sebagai alasan untuk berpoligami. Saya yakin ramai yang sangat bahagia apabila memilih untuk kekal bersama hanya seorang isteri sahaja isteri tercinta. Bagi yg menjadikan zuriat sebagai alasan, aku kurang setuju. Memang benar tatkala dikurniakan anak, kasih sayang suami isteri boleh jadi makin erat. tapi adakah tanpa anak kasih sayang suami pada si isteri akan berkurang?
Bagi lelaki-lelaki yg telah memilih untuk berpoligami, semoga terus adil memayungi isteri-isteri anda, bagi yg sedang membuat pilihan gunalah akal waras dan iman anda, jangan menyesal dikemudian hari (teringat pada cerita indonesia bertajuk 'berbagi suami', diakhir hayatnya seorang suami berpesan pada anak lelaki sulungnya supaya hanya berkahwin satu). Buat abah semoga suatu hari kita dapat bertemu, tanggungjawab seorang anak terhadap ayahnya belum lagi terlaksana. Buat anak-anak abah yang tak pernah diketahui, alangkah bagusnya kalau dapat bertemu. Buat anak abah (abang andy) yg pernah menetap seketika bersama mak suatu ketika dahulu, maaf saya tak ingat kalau ada kenangan antara kita. Terima kasih kerana pernah bermain dengan saya...
Ini adalah sebahagian dari kehidupan..Itulah rencah yang mendewasakan aku. Menjadikan aku seorang yang berdikari, yakin dan pemaaf. Hmmmm..tapi aku bukan pemaaf bagi si dia yg tak setia (awas ya!) hehehehe
Komen ini aku tulis sebagai pengajaran & ingatan untuk diri aku. Walaupun abah bukan seorang ayah mithali aku tetap percaya dia masih lelaki yang baik. Kerana dia lah aku lahir ke dunia secara sah, halal & dihormati...
petaling jaya kami ziarahi pada pagi raya sesudah menunaikan solat aidilfitri. Kubur arwah Pak Ngah dan yeop zam (baru meninggal dunia pada bln ramadhan 2008) kami ziarahi pada hari raya ke
tiga. Alfatihah buat semua arwah saudara2 ku... semoga dicucuri rahmat & ditempatkan dikalangan mereka yg beriman...amin....
Ini lah yg telah berjasa membawa keturunan Yeop Endat (moyangku) beraya pada tahun nie..
maisara@maya-anak saudaraku yg telatahnya sering memeningkan kepala...Nasib baiklah comel...kalau tak, malas aku nak layan hehehehe
Aisha & syafika:2 beradik- anak2 saudaraku jugak..sepanjang jln sibuk belek hp aku, sibuk nak bluetooth lagu dari hp aku..last2 kena marah dengan mak diorang (padan muka..tue la, aku suruh simpan hp tak mau dengar..kui!kui!kui!)
cik mat, awie & aidil :anak saudara, anak saudara, sepupu..awie & aidil kira anak saudara dgn pakcik tapi awie tua setahun. Raya tahun nie diorang jadi member kamceng pulak...
"10, 11, 12.....tak cukuplah..."jerit maya. maya buat kiraan takut-takut ada ahli rombongan yg tercicir...
